2016 was kind of the worst.

It would appear that the world is (yet again) divided. Was 2016 the best or the worst year? I've seen post after post of celebrity death tributes claiming that this one. This one is really what made 2016 the worst year ever. Or, I see posts saying that the election is what made this year really suck. I've also seen tweets and Facebook updates exclaiming: "Stop the negativity! Re-post if you think 2016 was your best year yet!"

Well here I am, putting forward my own claim: 2016 really was hard. No, not because I'm unsatisfied with the election results, and no, not because of all the celebrity deaths. (Although I still get kind of sad when I think of Alan Rickman...) I don't say that to be dramatic, or pessimistic, or because I thrive on attention. I say it because 2016 has really been tough! 

I don't feel the need to go into detail about everything that has gone "wrong" for us this year. Most people know, either because I've over-vented to random acquaintances on several occasions (sorry...) or because I've recently adopted a coping mechanism that revolves mostly around making jokes of all my issues. They say that our trials are specifically catered for each of us, to learn the lessons we need to learn. And I think this year we've both really felt (and hated) that. 

The point I'm getting to is that I know that in reality tomorrow is no different than today. I won't wake up and magically have a brand new attitude that will somehow make the next 365 days better than the last. And I realize that there's no real way to "leave 2016 in the past." Because 2016 hasn't just been days on a calendar. It's been ups and downs, highs and lows. It's been trials that we're still living through, and lessons that are a part of me now. 

But, as we traditionally say goodbye to 2016, I look back with humbled eyes. Even through the most difficult times this year, it's easy to look back and see where we were blessed, whether it was by friends or family, finances, or just comfort in each other. We've never gone hungry or spent a night without a roof over our heads. When I think of the things we have that other people pray for, I'm filled with gratitude. 

I refuse to make any blanket statements about my hopes for 2017, because that's done nothing for us in the past. But I will say that I'm so grateful for everyone who has made an impact on our year. Happy New Year! 

When did everyone get so nosy?

Ha! Coming back on here, I'm kind of embarrassed of my pitiful excuse for a "blog." Something I created to help people "keep up with our lives" (because Facebook, Instagram, texting, calling, and face timing isn't enough obviously) has turned into just another empty space on the internet. You're welcome, world.

But, today I make my triumphant return to this blog as I tackle a topic that has become the subject of most of my recent late night venting sessions: When/how/why did everyone become so damn nosy? And when did it become okay to be so?

Really.

This is something I've noticed throughout my adult life, but especially as I've gotten married, and especially since we've been married for over a year. BUT! This is not limited to people who are married. Here are just a few examples of what I've experienced personally, and what I've seen others go through as well:

1. A girl (who I hadn't spoken to in years, and I was never really close with) messaged me on Facebook after I came home from my mission early, to ask why. I told her, thinking she was looking to support me/talk it out. But, she never responded after definitely viewing my reply. (Shout out to Facebook for that nifty little tool)
2. A single mother that I know, posted a photo of her and her son visiting Temple square. Among many adoring comments was one that struck me as both wildly inappropriate, and completely none of that persons business. "I know you're not married and obviously not going on a mission, but you can go through the temple! It's amazing, you should talk to your bishop about getting that done." Hold up, what? Why are we discussing this over instagram? How do you know she isn't already working on that? Or if that's something she even really wants? Also...what?! (Insert eye-rolling emoji here)
3. "When are you going to start your family?" "Are you ever gonna have a baby or what?" "When do you think you'll start trying?" "Why haven't you guys had kids yet? Are you struggling?" <-- yep that's a real one too. I mean, what? I've answered this so many times I kind of forget who hasn't asked. We'll start when the Lord tells us to. We need Tanner to get a new job first. It's too soon, now just isn't the time for us. We're thinking maybe next year. Wait, I said that last year? Sorry, I guess I got mixed up. I meant NEXT year.

Do you get my point? Where/when/how did this become anyone's business but ours? Of course our immediate family and close friends have these questions. Our siblings and parents poke fun at why we've waited "so long" for years! But sorry Great Aunt Sheila who "remembers when I was just a little baby," you don't really get to ask those questions.

I'll admit it, my frustrations with the nosiness has made me a little snippy when I'm asked these questions. Just last week when asked, "You've been married 3 years already?! Wow, that's great! How have you not gotten pregnant already?" I answered "Well honestly I don't know, we wanted to start having kids at 3 years but it's not happening right now so your guess is as good as mine." But what blows my mind is that people are appalled, offended even that I dare answer their "innocent" question with even the slightest tone of frustration.

You know how some people have the good sense to say "Don't ask about when a couple is having kids, because they could be struggling with infertility?" Well, over the last 3 years I've learned that that question could end with the word "struggling." We've "struggled" (okay, isn't struggle such a weird word?) with different reasons not to have kids yet for 3 years, and we don't even know if we're "infertile" yet. What makes it a struggle, is that we want kids. Surprise! We really, really do. I've been "baby hungry" since about a year and a half in, and Tanner has joined me in the last 6 months.

So no, we're not trying unsuccessfully. The struggle is in that we're ready, but it's not time for us yet. (I can't believe I'm actually answering all the nosy questions in a post that's supposed to be about stopping the nosy questions)

Here's my point: Stop asking questions about the people you say you care about. Care for them. Show your concern for them. Instead of saying "I saw your post, what happened?" Say "I heard you were having a rough day, is there anything I can do to help?" I get it! Sometimes you just wanna know what's going on. Trust me, I know. But don't be the person who comes around when something interesting happens. Be that person who is a constant in your friends and families lives. Take care of the people you love, and try your hardest to just let those people you're "just curious about" be.

February 20th

A year ago today, I reported to the MTC to serve a mission.

I think February 20th is always going to be a significant day in my life, the same way days like May 22nd, May 17th and December 4th are. I remember waking up around 4:00am and not being able to sleep. I said goodbye to my sister early before she left for work, and finally around 11:00 decided I should get up. I remember fussing about what I should wear. I had already picked out my outfit months in advance, but couldn't figure out which white shirt to wear. I opted for my button up shirt because it looked nicer for my first day.

All this aside, I had no idea what I was about to experience, and I had no idea that I'd be leaving the MTC just a few short weeks later. But, I did. And what I call "my mission" was still one of the best experiences of my life. I met some of the best people, and learned some of the biggest life-changing lessons while I was there. And I'm so grateful for every day I spent there.

The time surrounding my return home was the hardest of my life. I'll admit, when I made the decision to come home I thought life back home would be easier and not so hard as it was there. But it was much, much harder for a while. I'm thankful every day for the support of my family and friends that helped me work through that.

I was lucky enough to have Tanner there for me 24/7 to give advice or just listen to me over the phone. Weekends that he visited were the best. After a little while, he proposed and a little while later we got married. There will probably be long, detailed posts on those days too.

Anyways, all this stuff isn't the point. The point of why I'm writing this is to express my gratitude for my Heavenly Father who has guided me through the last year. And here's what I know. I know that I was personally affected by the mission age requirement changes because I needed to be brought out of a dark point in my life that I had been going through. I know that preparing for my mission helped me to do that. I know that Heavenly Father knew I wouldn't be spending the full 18 months serving my mission, but that He had a much, much greater plan for me. I know I was put in the MTC a year ago today to be with my district and zone so I could learn from them like I wouldn't be able to learn from anyone else. I know He was not disappointed in me for coming home. I know I was supposed to go on my mission so that Tanner would realize that we needed to get married and that he didn't need to wait another year after his mission to do that. I know that the short time we spent apart while I was gone caused that change in him which led to us being sealed in the temple.

I am so grateful for the path that Heavenly Father has led me on! It brings tears to my eyes to look back on the last year and realize how He had His hand on my shoulder every step of the way. I know I made the right choice in marrying Tanner when I did, and our marriage will forever be my most cherished possession.

The Trouble With Social Media

Okay, I know what I'm about to say isn't anything new. I also know that in a way it turns me into somewhat of a hypocrite. But it's happening anyways.

My problem with social media has been the same since it really got popular. This was really my problem with society before things like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram even became a thing. Let's get down to it: my problem with social media is that people seem to think that not being face-to-face with a person grants them the right to say anything they want.

Now before anyone quotes the 1st amendment to me, I know. We do have the right to say what we want. But, does having the right to do something really mean you should? In my mind, no.

Let me explain. When I was in high school, I had a pretty large group of friends. There wasn't much drama inside my group of friends, but there were definitely a few people outside that group that really didn't like me. Now I know I wasn't perfect. I'm really embarrassed of a lot of things I did back in high school. But as I was browsing through my old Formspring, (a then-popular site where you could anonymously or publicly ask questions to whoever had a profile) I came across quite a few hateful "questions." I know what you're thinking. I subjected myself to anonymous hate by signing up for these profiles. And I did. That was even a disclaimer on the site while you signed up. For the sake of not offending anyone with the language used, I won't post any of the actual quotes from my page. But, just know there were many telling me how stupid, fat, ugly, loud, annoying, and slutty I was.

In high school, those were some of the worst things I could have been called. Those posts really affected me on some days. It hurt to get these messages daily and have to pretend everything was fine at school, because I didn't want whoever had written them to see me down. Luckily, I was not so affected by these things that I did anything to harm myself. But that's not really why I'm writing this.

What I'm really writing about is the form of "bullying" I see on a daily basis online--by adults. If I had a dollar for every time I saw a post beginning or ending in "I'm just saying," "No offense, but..." "I probably shouldn't say this, but..." or "You can just unfriend me if you don't agree," I would have quit my job by now.

What is it about the internet that causes people to think they can say any offensive thing they want? Just because you can't see the person you're targeting doesn't make the blow any less powerful. The way I see it, if you don't agree with gay marriage, don't agree with it. You don't need to post on others' pictures on how what they're doing is "wrong." Don't like the President? Fine with me. But that doesn't mean you need to post racist remarks about him. If you've got a problem with someone else's religion, fine. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. But how can you expect others to respect your opinions if you don't return that same courtesy?

I think it's so silly to spend so much time and energy hating the way other people live, and spending even more time expressing how much you hate those things. I would so much rather my future children see others equally, and love everyone no matter what their background. Wouldn't you? And wouldn't you rather be known as a positive force in life than "that lady who posted that really douchey thing on Facebook the other night?" I know I would.

It's so simple. Practice safe social media, people.

Utah Musings

Tanner and I have been married for around 5 months now. Which means I've lived here in Utah for around 5 months. Tanner has lived here for a little over a year, so he's a bit more adjusted to it than I am. Living here has definitely been the biggest adjustment for me. This place really boggles my mind sometimes.

For instance, everything closes so dang early here! I know, my life is so hard. But I guess I didn't realize the pains of living somewhere where the average closing time is 10:00. In Vegas everything is open 24/7. And things that aren't are usually not even worth going to. Last night Tanner and I were trying to figure out what to do for a date night, and everything we came up with had already closed or would be closing fairly soon. We ended up ice skating then bailing after about 20 minutes of skating itself. (We were there for an hour total, 40 minutes of which we sat on the side.)

Which brings me to my next point. If you ever want to do anything as a couple, you better go on a week night. If you step foot outside your house on a Friday or Saturday, basically anywhere you go is going to be just packed. I hate crowds. I get claustrophobic and anxious. Tanner gets worked up at annoying, rude people. We're definitely not the most patient of couples. At the ice skating place last night we both ended up leaving pretty frazzled, because there was a particularly obnoxious group of teenage (possibly freshman college) guys. And it was super crowded. I hate that anywhere you go is always super busy, because lets face it, there aren't a lot of options here.

The first day of snow was cute. I woke up, looked outside, and saw this beautiful, fluffy white stuff on the ground. Totally not used to it. I didn't end up going out that day because I wasn't feeling well, but the next day when I left for work, the snow had doubled. The stairs to our apartment were frozen, and I ended up being 10 minutes late to work because I hadn't accounted for how long it would take me to scrape all the ice off my car. I got to work late, freezing, and with my clothes just soaked. As it got worse, the beautiful, fluffy white stuff turned into disgusting black mountains in parking lots, grey slush on the roads, and to be honest, a huge disruption in my driving capabilities.

I do miss my family a ton. I've always gotten homesick easily. I don't have major panic attacks about missing my mom or my siblings like I used to even at sleepovers or weekends at my grandparents house, but I do find myself sad sometimes that I'm missing out on day-to-day fun stuff my family does. Especially when it includes my nieces and nephews. I've been around Sam his whole entire life. This last November, I missed his 5th birthday, the first one I'd ever missed. When I was in school in Idaho, I made a special surprise trip down for his 3rd birthday because I couldn't miss it. So when I could not make the trip down this time, it broke my heart! When Sam was around 2 we developed a very close relationship and even though I know it won't always be that way, not seeing him grow up quite as closely as I used to is really sad sometimes! Plus, being around my 2 nieces and 3 nephews is just plain fun, especially hearing the random little things they say. "I'm petting this dog. All dogs and puppies like that."

But Utah isn't all so bad. And this post isn't titled "Caitlin whines about where she lives" for a a reason. The other night Tanner asked if I wanted to build a snowman. So we did! I've never made a decent sized snowman like the one we built, because I've always gotten too cold or too impatient. We used rolos for the eyes, a tiny baby carrot for the nose, and hershey's kisses for the mouth. It was actually a little scary at the end of it because the face just turned out looking like a skull. But, it's still standing, and it was a lot of fun to build! But yes, I'm looking forward to seeing some sun again.

Utah is beautiful. When I first got here in August/September, I could have died at how pretty everything was, and especially at all the beautiful weather. I could walk outside to my car without breaking a sweat. I could leave the apartment door open to feel a nice breeze coming in. Nothing, and I mean nothing, like Vegas. I'll admit, I've gotten used to the Vegas heat over the last 20 years of living in it, but I know that whenever we visit this summer, I'll probably be thinking a whole lot differently. So, when the weather here isn't freezing my hair when I make the mistake of getting the mail after taking a shower, it is definitely much better than Vegas.

Around this time a year ago, Tanner and I were dating long distance. And it seriously sucked. I'd rather be anywhere with him than in Vegas without him. Even though the 6 hour drive seems like forever away, I'm grateful we can be somewhere where Tanner can get his schooling done, that really isn't too far from Vegas, where I have some friends, and most importantly where we can just be together.

The Story Of How My Eye Got Chemically Burned

As I mentioned in my previous post, Tanner and I left Disneyland early so I could go get treatment for my eye. This trip to Vegas was filled with some unfortunate events, especially at the beginning. The day before Disneyland I had to put my dog, Winky, to sleep. She was super sick and had lived a good, long life. But it was time to let her go so we did. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done! The next day, my eye flared up, and then the next day...well, it's kind of a long story.

So my sister Amanda is really into doTerra essential oils. I swear, she's cured me of multiple ailments on various occasions. She combines these oils to treat anything from back pain to the flu. This stuff is pretty incredible, really. So when I let her know my eye was acting up, she asked if I wanted her to bring some oils over to put around (not in) my eye to help with the redness/itchiness. I agreed, because it has always helped.

So the morning after Disneyland, she brought the oils over. She let me know beforehand what she would be doing. She was going to take a q-tip and apply Oregano, Lavender, and I think a blend called On Guard. She warned me before we started that Oregano is what they call a "hot" oil. It's not like you heat it up or anything, but it's naturally hot. So when you apply it to skin, you're supposed to dilute it. That's how strong it is. She also let me know that it's not really supposed to go in your eye, but if it did get in there, it would burn, but not actually harm my eye. Honestly I'm not sure if anything she could have told me would have prepared me for the hot (literally) mess that was about to take place. 

She took the q-tip, and started with the Oregano. Immediate burning sensation. 

*I'm quite sure profanities were coming from my mouth at this point, but I really can't remember much on my part but pain and yelling*
Amanda: "I'm supposed to rub olive oil on it after to help dilute it."
Me: "So where is the freaking olive oil?!"

Amanda: "Hannah! Go grab it! Quick!"

Half a second passes.
Me: "WHERE IS THE OLIVE OIL?!?!?!"

Olive oil is applied.

Me: "Oh my gosh it literally feels like my skin is burning off. Is my skin okay?!"

Andee: (jokingly) "Oh no! We can see your skull!"

I laugh. Amanda pokes the q-tip with the oregano straight into my tear duct as I jerk forward laughing. Laughter stops. Tears and screaming ensue.

I literally have not felt that kind of pain before. It wasn't the worst I've ever felt, but definitely #2 and very, very prominent in my memory. My eye filled with oregano tears, which flowed onto my cheeks, only enhancing the pain. I sat there breathing like I was giving birth for another couple minutes while she rubbed more olive oil on. It finally started to calm down. The crying stopped, and my family who had all gathered in the kitchen to see what all the screaming was about got ready to go to the museum.

As the day went on, we noticed that my under eye was still quite swollen, and a little discolored. From then it just got worse. I think the worst it got was day 2 afterwards. It wasn't swollen anymore, just extremely dark and scaly. We figured out that I had actually suffered a chemical burn. It was so bad that day that when Tanner and I went to Subway, he literally got the stare-down by every person in there. It straight up looked like he had punched me. It was so funny and so terrible all at once. The nurse at my eye doctor thought I was insane when I told her the story. She was like, "You  know that eye is sensitive...why would you do that?" Again, totally embarrassing.

My eye is completely healed now, which is obviously good. But I really couldn't go without having this story recorded somewhere. Sorry, Amanda!

Some of my favorite wedding pictures

Once upon a time I got a blog and never posted on it. The end.

Okay but for real though. I haven't posted in forever, so today's the day for a random blog! I just figured I'd post some of my favorite pictures from our engagements, bridals, and wedding day, so here we go! By the way, all these were taken by Brionne Graff of Photograff Design. :)

Okay, I'm obsessed with all the bike pictures Brionne took. I thought it was such a cute idea, and even though it was kind of wobbly at times, they turned out super cute!

This one is probably my favorite of all of the engagements, I just love it!

I like this one because we were holding hands like we used to in high school, super lightly and awkward!!

He had a pretty good reaction, even if all he said was, "You look good!!"

Our Bridals were all just gorgeous!

Right before our first look. Um, can I just say I was SO nervous?! I had no idea if he was going to like my dress, and all of a sudden I was freaking out!

 These crazy kids. They're insane, but I love them!!

 And of course my handsome, studly husband!

 Okay, I'm not usually a fan of super serious pictures, but I was just glad we had finally pulled one off okay!

 This one was super surreal for me, just remembering my other siblings all taking photos by this fountain on their wedding days. Funny how fast time flies!

 I was terrified of this dipping photo! I didn't want him to drop me and get my dress all dirty! But I think it turned out great!

 I just love the Las Vegas Temple.

Aaaaaaand then there's this one. It's not embarrassing till it's you!

So there you have 'em folks! It was hard to pick just a few, but I loved all our pictures and it's fun to look back on the best day of our lives!! :)